Here I sit in my immaculate tower of nerditude, AKA my bedroom in my parent’s apartment (Yeah, I’m that mother-f***ing cool). Obviously I’m drinking apple juice, blaring Pandora radio with songs such as; I belive in a thing called love and err song ever written by Tom Petty. All whilst simultaneously playing MTGO, WoW, reading a book, piercing my own man bits, and having sex with the ladies. Many many ladies.
You may be asking yourself “Self? Yes other-self? How do I become as insanely awesome as the mother flippin’ Imaginary Beast himself?”
Well, If your other-self is any kind of man at all, he will know there is no way in hell your non-backpack jamming ass can compare to the Big Daddy Dutch.
However, you can become less pathetic by following these simple rules.
RULE #1 Move in with your parents. The ladies love it, and will be all over your nuts faster than you can shave a person with alopecia.
RULE #2 Never sleep with a man, unless he’s paying you well. Women apparently don’t like it when you have sex with other dudes.
RULE #3 Whenever possible mention how much better of a Pokemon trainer you are than everyone else. This really should be obvious.
RULE #4 Wear a utility belt at all times. You never know when you’re going to have to bear mace a bitch.
RULE #5 Don’t let Harry-Pizzle take pictures of you. They all make you look like shit, and he has his way with them in the most horrendous of ways.
RULE #6 Take up a manly hobby. Such as; alligator wrestling, pimping, or boning Harry Potter’s mom.
Follow these simple rules, and you still won’t be nearly as awesome as me, but you won’t be such a damn vag anymore.
DutchRudder666i out.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
When the power goes out...
What the F*ck is all this stuff on my computer?
So my power went out… I didn’t notice at first what with back-packin darkness I maintain while boldly exploring the dirty dirty depths of the interwebs. At the time I was rocking my lappy –top (It’s name is McGrubber, but that’s a different story), so battery pops in all like WHAT BIOTCH!!!
At least I have a good 2+ hours on this baby to surf the web. 0.002 seconds later my hand bitch slapped my face for my ignorance. No power. No modem, router, internets; none of em.
Crap was all I could think as the world sunk in on me. Thankfully I remembered my massive stash of all goodness. And I’m not talking about porn here (though there is a considerable amount). For the past three years I have kept a running archive of all that is the net. Thanks to a few nympho sexy add-ons I have ripped every video, copied every picture, and stored every article that titillated my very average testis.
My computers (all three of em) and my terabyte external hard drive are packed to the brim with god knows what. The story in this you ask? I can forget things faster than I can pick up a Norwegian transvestite prostitute (PRETTY DAMN FAST).
So here I sit basking in the glowing glorious screen, scanning libraries of information wondering what the heck is wrong with me.
Did I really need to have 150++ Philosaraptor quote picks?
What about a 1.4 gig file of videos and picks of little kids and animals getting high?
Conspiracy theories about an underground gay mafia? I got em. (I like to call them the pink pistols)
Am I the only person with a file titled “Things to use to spam and piss people off”?
I even keep several different files of Zombie Abraham Lincoln pics (one for each level of decay)
And what about this…
(I most defiantly don’t have the rights to this pic)
I think I might have a problem my fellow grinders. I’m hitting the delete key on this nonsense.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Things that are important about important things
Pugilism
The ancient art of ass kicking. An art that can only be mastered by those of us with the balls of metal, or diamond for those who are truly hard core. Or as a great man once said, “Umph,” after I pugilised his face off.
Now not all people are as gifted as I in the ancient art. So here is a basic guide of how to ass kick, and void an ass kicking.
Punching some one in the balls is OK, if it hurts them they were weak and deserve it for not being strong, if it doesn't then you're in for an even fight, because his balls are as hard as yours. If you happen to run into a brawling lady, then feel free to use the female version of said tactic which is the cunt punt.
If you aren't drunk then you're obviously not as prepared as you should be. My rule of thumb is that if you aren't expecting a fight at ever moment of your life, then you're ready to get your ass kicked at least as many times as you're not ready. Hell if you're a real man, then your mother was helping you prepare for fights while you were still in the womb. Although since you build up a tolerance to alcohol this can lead to money issues, because it costs a lot to be drunk every moment of every day. Which leads us to rule #3
Make money by fighting. How do you do this? Simple, walk up to a stranger and ask them for money, when they refuse, punch them. Then you get to ask them for money again, if they again refuse you punch them twice as many times as the last time. Repeat as necessary. As a side note you should make sure your cardio is good because some people try and run after they decide not to pay for you hitting them. So you must be prepared to run after them.
Practice. Practice. Practice.
This should be all you need to know to start your exciting new past time/career/life style of pugilism. All else that I could teach can be learned just as easily by hands on application.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Magic Lessons From Lil Wayne
Welcome back, Grinders. Our discussion today discusses a certain Baby- Weezy F, to be exact. Even if we stopped stopped him, we couldn't stop him. Now, besides being clinically insane, Lil Weezy is a Martian, and a monster. Clearly, we have much to discuss.
all about a dollar, like four quarters
1) If its bullshit you want, its bullshit I'll share
Lil Wayne is the German Juggernaut of Rap. He has made a career of giving in better than anyone else. While Kai was playing the best deck, just better than anyone else, Weezy was steadfastly refusing to push the envelope and was creating the songs that sounded more like every other hit on the the radio, collectively, than any other single song.
Just give in.
2) Sick with it, six digits/ big engines, get lots of head like six midgets
From these erudite lyrics, we can discern several insightful points about our favorite drug abuser. First and foremost, he's sick with it. What does that mean, exactly? Is that bad meaning bad or bad meaning good? Or, is he hustling sideways- could that be bad meaning a bag of dicks in the eye? Lets dig deeper- his next phrase, six digits, is equally perplexing. Why does he seem to think he has six digits? Does he? With big engines, Wayne begins to explain the mystery. Clearly, he has big engines. Unfortunately, this presents another puzzle- does he have cars that have big engines, or does he himself have big engines? Is Lil Wayne a robot? He uses auto-tune so much, maybe that's become his real voice. The final line, get lots of head like six midgets, is the most straight forward line. This has no other interpretation possible but that he is a hydra.
For the grinder, these lessons are easy to apply. Besides telling us to just break down and play the best deck, which we always know we should and never do, we need to focus more on misrepresentation. First, be sick with it- just play the best deck better than the other guy. Then, represent six digits- play with your opponents' heads until they need a bucket, F. Karsten style. Also, don't forget your big engines and to get lots of head like six midgets. Here, Lil Wayne is kindly helping to spread his wisdom by letting us know we should aspire to be as he is- a robot hydra, obv. Probably firebreathing, too. Aspire for that one too, 'cause, well, mise.
3) Got a million duffled up, for the fuck of it
Here, Lil Wayne is lowering his guard and allowing a rare moment in which we are able to completely comprehend him. He got a million dollars put in a duffle bag, because whatev.s.
Sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do. Fuck it.
Sometimes, best deck or no best deck, you have to play something dumb. Whether that's a foiled out Scute Mob/ Gigantiform combo deck, Mono Red, Allies, or MXL3000, you have to do something the math says is subpar, because it needs to be done.*
4) Bitch watch me, bitch watch me, bitch watch me, bitch watch me!
Another example of Lil Wayne's considerable vocabulary, he again kicks knowledge to those less educated than himself. How kind. Lil Wayne wants you to watch him. Yes, you, bitch.
Watch your opponent, because you never know when they'll try to morph a Compulsive Research, put a card in from outside the game, or play six Arcbound Ravagers. Also, call them a bitch, because mise.
5) Now all my Blood's scream Soo Woo and Da Da Doo
I've got nothing on this. Wayne is just good old crazy.
6) If I had one guess, I'd guess I'm just New Orleans
Lil Wayne is fairly sure he's from New Orleans.
Rep your hometown, grinders. Bozeman Fieldpush from yesterday until forever ever (ever-ever, ever-ever, ever-ever) If the guy on the other side of the table doesn't want to flip said table, you are hustling backward.
There you have it, Mighty Fighty Grind City Point Stars- Magical lessons by way of Weezy F. Baby. Check back later, and we may have some more from Tupac's Witch-ass.
This is Harry Potter 4587, Signing off.
*There's no reason to play Mono Red. That was a typo. Ditto for Allies- just say no.
all about a dollar, like four quarters
1) If its bullshit you want, its bullshit I'll share
Lil Wayne is the German Juggernaut of Rap. He has made a career of giving in better than anyone else. While Kai was playing the best deck, just better than anyone else, Weezy was steadfastly refusing to push the envelope and was creating the songs that sounded more like every other hit on the the radio, collectively, than any other single song.
Just give in.
2) Sick with it, six digits/ big engines, get lots of head like six midgets
From these erudite lyrics, we can discern several insightful points about our favorite drug abuser. First and foremost, he's sick with it. What does that mean, exactly? Is that bad meaning bad or bad meaning good? Or, is he hustling sideways- could that be bad meaning a bag of dicks in the eye? Lets dig deeper- his next phrase, six digits, is equally perplexing. Why does he seem to think he has six digits? Does he? With big engines, Wayne begins to explain the mystery. Clearly, he has big engines. Unfortunately, this presents another puzzle- does he have cars that have big engines, or does he himself have big engines? Is Lil Wayne a robot? He uses auto-tune so much, maybe that's become his real voice. The final line, get lots of head like six midgets, is the most straight forward line. This has no other interpretation possible but that he is a hydra.
For the grinder, these lessons are easy to apply. Besides telling us to just break down and play the best deck, which we always know we should and never do, we need to focus more on misrepresentation. First, be sick with it- just play the best deck better than the other guy. Then, represent six digits- play with your opponents' heads until they need a bucket, F. Karsten style. Also, don't forget your big engines and to get lots of head like six midgets. Here, Lil Wayne is kindly helping to spread his wisdom by letting us know we should aspire to be as he is- a robot hydra, obv. Probably firebreathing, too. Aspire for that one too, 'cause, well, mise.
3) Got a million duffled up, for the fuck of it
Here, Lil Wayne is lowering his guard and allowing a rare moment in which we are able to completely comprehend him. He got a million dollars put in a duffle bag, because whatev.s.
Sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do. Fuck it.
Sometimes, best deck or no best deck, you have to play something dumb. Whether that's a foiled out Scute Mob/ Gigantiform combo deck, Mono Red, Allies, or MXL3000, you have to do something the math says is subpar, because it needs to be done.*
4) Bitch watch me, bitch watch me, bitch watch me, bitch watch me!
Another example of Lil Wayne's considerable vocabulary, he again kicks knowledge to those less educated than himself. How kind. Lil Wayne wants you to watch him. Yes, you, bitch.
Watch your opponent, because you never know when they'll try to morph a Compulsive Research, put a card in from outside the game, or play six Arcbound Ravagers. Also, call them a bitch, because mise.
5) Now all my Blood's scream Soo Woo and Da Da Doo
I've got nothing on this. Wayne is just good old crazy.
6) If I had one guess, I'd guess I'm just New Orleans
Lil Wayne is fairly sure he's from New Orleans.
Rep your hometown, grinders. Bozeman Fieldpush from yesterday until forever ever (ever-ever, ever-ever, ever-ever) If the guy on the other side of the table doesn't want to flip said table, you are hustling backward.
There you have it, Mighty Fighty Grind City Point Stars- Magical lessons by way of Weezy F. Baby. Check back later, and we may have some more from Tupac's Witch-ass.
This is Harry Potter 4587, Signing off.
*There's no reason to play Mono Red. That was a typo. Ditto for Allies- just say no.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Beep Boop
I am still working on the promised
Maximum Tape
Beep Boop
Recently I've been down with the sickness, some kind of anti-hustle plague what was formulated in a terrorist lab somewhere in the gods forsaken desert. after drinking countless gallons of light emitting fluids i am back in the update saddle, and boy do we have some updates for you.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Saint Patrick's Day, a brief history.
Saint Patrick's Day or SPD, is a holiday to ironically celebrate a man named Patrick Saint.
Pat's legend is an astounding tale of how the village idiot of a small Irish township caused the Great Snake Blight of Ireland. Being a drunken fool Patrick had no job and spent most of his days playing panpipes, on one fateful spring day Pat discovered that the snakes of the land would dance to his music and follow him about, his song attracted more and more snakes and this scared poor Pat. The sacred Patrick ran as fast as he could until he reached the very edge of Ireland, afraid that the snakes would overtake him Patrick marched into the ocean where the snakes all drowned. Now this was a sad day, for back in the day snakes were Ireland's chief export, and Pat's escapade doomed all of Ireland to be poor. Saint Patrick's Day is celebrated now by burning Patrick in effigy, and drinking to forget the day that Patrick killed all those poor dancing snakes.
Pat's legend is an astounding tale of how the village idiot of a small Irish township caused the Great Snake Blight of Ireland. Being a drunken fool Patrick had no job and spent most of his days playing panpipes, on one fateful spring day Pat discovered that the snakes of the land would dance to his music and follow him about, his song attracted more and more snakes and this scared poor Pat. The sacred Patrick ran as fast as he could until he reached the very edge of Ireland, afraid that the snakes would overtake him Patrick marched into the ocean where the snakes all drowned. Now this was a sad day, for back in the day snakes were Ireland's chief export, and Pat's escapade doomed all of Ireland to be poor. Saint Patrick's Day is celebrated now by burning Patrick in effigy, and drinking to forget the day that Patrick killed all those poor dancing snakes.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Histor-izzle
Welcome back to class, suckers! Harry Pizzle's going to fill you in on another oft-mentioned tale of GrindCity shenanigans- don't be the only one in the room to not know.
This story starts with a barrel shaped GC affiliate, by the name of Josh. Some have described him as the worst good player in town, others have called him the best bad player, but everyone agrees that he is shaped like a barrel. Tell your friends. Whether he's at the top of the bottom or the bottom of the top, it is clear he misplays himself out of a game or two from time to time. Sometimes, it can be seen from a mile off that he is moving in that direction; our tale concerns one of these occasions. Josh was attempting to pilot The Blue Menace (Faeries) against I forget who. Like a fat person's legs, it doesn't matter. He had a Vendilion Clique in play. For the uneducated amongst you, the V. Clique gets its Legend Status on like DJ Jazzy Jeff's accomplice (think about it, discuss in the forums).
Also in the mix is Sexy Chubs. Sexy Chubs is watching from afar, with his sights on Josh, waiting to pull the trigger.
As the game goes on, Josh continues playing stuff, and Sexy keeps circling overhead, a hawk ready to strike.
The world turns, jam fills backpacks, and still Sexy watches.
An Age passes. Sexy waits...
Josh casts Vendilion Clique...
And finally, in that moment of weakness, SEXY CHUBS STRIKES!!!!
Sexy comes running across the room, shoving people out of his way as he rushes to the scene of the misplay. His terrible war cry was heard the magic playing world over, and yet turns the blood of experienced mages cold when they recall his chant of "LEGEND RULE!!!!!!!!11!!!1!!"
Josh had forgotten his Cliques were legendary, and had played a second one while the first was still in play, causing them both to die- but he hadn't realized it yet. He looked up, his face frozen in horror, and paused to try to figure out why Sexy was running at full speed towards him. (You'd freeze if you saw that too. I promise.)
"Legend Rule!!!" repeated Sexy Chubs as he continued maneuvering towards the game, frozen in place like a train behind Comic Book Guy. Arriving at the table, Sexy Chubs picked up the V. Clique in play and yanked the second one from Mr. Barrel's hand, and slapped them into the graveyard, laughing all the while.
Josh lost the game.
Love to continue filling you in, you Mighty Fighty folks you, but I'm afraid that's all for Harry Potter 7015 today- I have to get back to other deeds. After all, Ryan's sister isn't going to seduce herself.
This story starts with a barrel shaped GC affiliate, by the name of Josh. Some have described him as the worst good player in town, others have called him the best bad player, but everyone agrees that he is shaped like a barrel. Tell your friends. Whether he's at the top of the bottom or the bottom of the top, it is clear he misplays himself out of a game or two from time to time. Sometimes, it can be seen from a mile off that he is moving in that direction; our tale concerns one of these occasions. Josh was attempting to pilot The Blue Menace (Faeries) against I forget who. Like a fat person's legs, it doesn't matter. He had a Vendilion Clique in play. For the uneducated amongst you, the V. Clique gets its Legend Status on like DJ Jazzy Jeff's accomplice (think about it, discuss in the forums).
Also in the mix is Sexy Chubs. Sexy Chubs is watching from afar, with his sights on Josh, waiting to pull the trigger.
As the game goes on, Josh continues playing stuff, and Sexy keeps circling overhead, a hawk ready to strike.
The world turns, jam fills backpacks, and still Sexy watches.
An Age passes. Sexy waits...
Josh casts Vendilion Clique...
And finally, in that moment of weakness, SEXY CHUBS STRIKES!!!!
Sexy comes running across the room, shoving people out of his way as he rushes to the scene of the misplay. His terrible war cry was heard the magic playing world over, and yet turns the blood of experienced mages cold when they recall his chant of "LEGEND RULE!!!!!!!!11!!!1!!"
Josh had forgotten his Cliques were legendary, and had played a second one while the first was still in play, causing them both to die- but he hadn't realized it yet. He looked up, his face frozen in horror, and paused to try to figure out why Sexy was running at full speed towards him. (You'd freeze if you saw that too. I promise.)
"Legend Rule!!!" repeated Sexy Chubs as he continued maneuvering towards the game, frozen in place like a train behind Comic Book Guy. Arriving at the table, Sexy Chubs picked up the V. Clique in play and yanked the second one from Mr. Barrel's hand, and slapped them into the graveyard, laughing all the while.
Josh lost the game.
Love to continue filling you in, you Mighty Fighty folks you, but I'm afraid that's all for Harry Potter 7015 today- I have to get back to other deeds. After all, Ryan's sister isn't going to seduce herself.
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