When the power goes out...

What the F*ck is all this stuff on my computer?

So my power went out… I didn’t notice at first what with back-packin darkness I maintain while boldly exploring the dirty dirty depths of the interwebs. At the time I was rocking my lappy –top (It’s name is McGrubber, but that’s a different story), so battery pops in all like WHAT BIOTCH!!!

At least I have a good 2+ hours on this baby to surf the web. 0.002 seconds later my hand bitch slapped my face for my ignorance. No power. No modem, router, internets; none of em.

Crap was all I could think as the world sunk in on me. Thankfully I remembered my massive stash of all goodness. And I’m not talking about porn here (though there is a considerable amount). For the past three years I have kept a running archive of all that is the net. Thanks to a few nympho sexy add-ons I have ripped every video, copied every picture, and stored every article that titillated my very average testis.

My computers (all three of em) and my terabyte external hard drive are packed to the brim with god knows what. The story in this you ask? I can forget things faster than I can pick up a Norwegian transvestite prostitute (PRETTY DAMN FAST).

So here I sit basking in the glowing glorious screen, scanning libraries of information wondering what the heck is wrong with me.

Did I really need to have 150++ Philosaraptor quote picks?

What about a 1.4 gig file of videos and picks of little kids and animals getting high?

Conspiracy theories about an underground gay mafia? I got em. (I like to call them the pink pistols)

Am I the only person with a file titled “Things to use to spam and piss people off”?

I even keep several different files of Zombie Abraham Lincoln pics (one for each level of decay)

And what about this…

(I most defiantly don’t have the rights to this pic)

I think I might have a problem my fellow grinders. I’m hitting the delete key on this nonsense.

Things that are important about important things

Pugilism

The ancient art of ass kicking. An art that can only be mastered by those of us with the balls of metal, or diamond for those who are truly hard core. Or as a great man once said, “Umph,” after I pugilised his face off.

Now not all people are as gifted as I in the ancient art. So here is a basic guide of how to ass kick, and void an ass kicking.

1. Punching some one in the balls is OK, if it hurts them they were weak and deserve it for not being strong, if it doesn't then you're in for an even fight, because his balls are as hard as yours. If you happen to run into a brawling lady, then feel free to use the female version of said tactic which is the cunt punt.

2. If you aren't drunk then you're obviously not as prepared as you should be. My rule of thumb is that if you aren't expecting a fight at ever moment of your life, then you're ready to get your ass kicked at least as many times as you're not ready. Hell if you're a real man, then your mother was helping you prepare for fights while you were still in the womb. Although since you build up a tolerance to alcohol this can lead to money issues, because it costs a lot to be drunk every moment of every day. Which leads us to rule #3

3. Make money by fighting. How do you do this? Simple, walk up to a stranger and ask them for money, when they refuse, punch them. Then you get to ask them for money again, if they again refuse you punch them twice as many times as the last time. Repeat as necessary. As a side note you should make sure your cardio is good because some people try and run after they decide not to pay for you hitting them. So you must be prepared to run after them.

4. Practice. Practice. Practice.

This should be all you need to know to start your exciting new past time/career/life style of pugilism. All else that I could teach can be learned just as easily by hands on application.

Magic Lessons From Lil Wayne

Welcome back, Grinders. Our discussion today discusses a certain Baby- Weezy F, to be exact. Even if we stopped stopped him, we couldn't stop him. Now, besides being clinically insane, Lil Weezy is a Martian, and a monster. Clearly, we have much to discuss.

all about a dollar, like four quarters
1) If its bullshit you want, its bullshit I'll share
Lil Wayne is the German Juggernaut of Rap. He has made a career of giving in better than anyone else. While Kai was playing the best deck, just better than anyone else, Weezy was steadfastly refusing to push the envelope and was creating the songs that sounded more like every other hit on the the radio, collectively, than any other single song.

Just give in.

2) Sick with it, six digits/ big engines, get lots of head like six midgets
From these erudite lyrics, we can discern several insightful points about our favorite drug abuser. First and foremost, he's sick with it. What does that mean, exactly? Is that bad meaning bad or bad meaning good? Or, is he hustling sideways- could that be bad meaning a bag of dicks in the eye? Lets dig deeper- his next phrase, six digits, is equally perplexing. Why does he seem to think he has six digits? Does he? With big engines, Wayne begins to explain the mystery. Clearly, he has big engines. Unfortunately, this presents another puzzle- does he have cars that have big engines, or does he himself have big engines? Is Lil Wayne a robot? He uses auto-tune so much, maybe that's become his real voice. The final line, get lots of head like six midgets, is the most straight forward line. This has no other interpretation possible but that he is a hydra.

For the grinder, these lessons are easy to apply. Besides telling us to just break down and play the best deck, which we always know we should and never do, we need to focus more on misrepresentation. First, be sick with it- just play the best deck better than the other guy. Then, represent six digits- play with your opponents' heads until they need a bucket, F. Karsten style. Also, don't forget your big engines and to get lots of head like six midgets. Here, Lil Wayne is kindly helping to spread his wisdom by letting us know we should aspire to be as he is- a robot hydra, obv. Probably firebreathing, too. Aspire for that one too, 'cause, well, mise.

3) Got a million duffled up, for the fuck of it
Here, Lil Wayne is lowering his guard and allowing a rare moment in which we are able to completely comprehend him. He got a million dollars put in a duffle bag, because whatev.s.
Sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do. Fuck it.

Sometimes, best deck or no best deck, you have to play something dumb. Whether that's a foiled out Scute Mob/ Gigantiform combo deck, Mono Red, Allies, or MXL3000, you have to do something the math says is subpar, because it needs to be done.*

4) Bitch watch me, bitch watch me, bitch watch me, bitch watch me!
Another example of Lil Wayne's considerable vocabulary, he again kicks knowledge to those less educated than himself. How kind. Lil Wayne wants you to watch him. Yes, you, bitch.

Watch your opponent, because you never know when they'll try to morph a Compulsive Research, put a card in from outside the game, or play six Arcbound Ravagers. Also, call them a bitch, because mise.

5) Now all my Blood's scream Soo Woo and Da Da Doo

I've got nothing on this. Wayne is just good old crazy.

6) If I had one guess, I'd guess I'm just New Orleans
Lil Wayne is fairly sure he's from New Orleans.

Rep your hometown, grinders. Bozeman Fieldpush from yesterday until forever ever (ever-ever, ever-ever, ever-ever) If the guy on the other side of the table doesn't want to flip said table, you are hustling backward.

There you have it, Mighty Fighty Grind City Point Stars- Magical lessons by way of Weezy F. Baby. Check back later, and we may have some more from Tupac's Witch-ass.

This is Harry Potter 4587, Signing off.



*There's no reason to play Mono Red. That was a typo. Ditto for Allies- just say no.