So True

Here I sit in my immaculate tower of nerditude, AKA my bedroom in my parent’s apartment (Yeah, I’m that mother-f***ing cool). Obviously I’m drinking apple juice, blaring Pandora radio with songs such as; I belive in a thing called love and err song ever written by Tom Petty. All whilst simultaneously playing MTGO, WoW, reading a book, piercing my own man bits, and having sex with the ladies. Many many ladies.

You may be asking yourself “Self? Yes other-self? How do I become as insanely awesome as the mother flippin’ Imaginary Beast himself?”

Well, If your other-self is any kind of man at all, he will know there is no way in hell your non-backpack jamming ass can compare to the Big Daddy Dutch.

However, you can become less pathetic by following these simple rules.

RULE #1 Move in with your parents. The ladies love it, and will be all over your nuts faster than you can shave a person with alopecia.

RULE #2 Never sleep with a man, unless he’s paying you well. Women apparently don’t like it when you have sex with other dudes.

RULE #3 Whenever possible mention how much better of a Pokemon trainer you are than everyone else. This really should be obvious.

RULE #4 Wear a utility belt at all times. You never know when you’re going to have to bear mace a bitch.

RULE #5 Don’t let Harry-Pizzle take pictures of you. They all make you look like shit, and he has his way with them in the most horrendous of ways.

RULE #6 Take up a manly hobby. Such as; alligator wrestling, pimping, or boning Harry Potter’s mom.

Follow these simple rules, and you still won’t be nearly as awesome as me, but you won’t be such a damn vag anymore.

DutchRudder666i out.